Change My Heart

Almost 5 years ago I woke up with a song on my lips. I couldn’t stop singing it. I heard the words in my mind all day until I was compelled to sit and journal.

Change my heart oh God, make it ever true, Change my heart oh God, may I be like you…

Copyright: Eddie Espinosa, 1982 Mercy/Vineyard Publishing (Admin by Vineyard Music USA)

A few doodles and thoughts turned into pages and pages of text and the next thing I knew I was writing a book. Not actually writing the book in that moment, but outlining and drafting and organizing chapters.

For weeks I wrote with a fury almost in a state of panic, compelled to just get it out, until one day I sat back at my desk and said “done”. Holding the completed work in my hands, I breathed a sigh of relief and excitedly offered it to a friend for revisions. I expected a few red-line spelling corrections and maybe some suggestions for structure or substance, but instead what I received back looked like this…

My friend was kind enough to use a green pen so that it did not appear as if my book had been murdered, but if I’m honest, that is exactly how I felt about it.

After reading her comments I set the project down and weeks passed before I was able to pick it back up. But then slowly as they swirled around in my mind, her words began to speak comfort and challenge me to try harder. So once again with a compulsion, I could not control, back to my desk I went. This time months went by before I was ready with the next draft. I wrote more slowly, more prayerfully, more thoughtfully. Some of the chapters made me cry and tugged at places in my heart I had forgotten about. And this newfound vulnerability is what convinced me I was headed in the right direction.

A few months later I attended a Christian writer’s conference, book draft in hand, dreaming of publication. After about 4 seconds of being there, I realized just how not ready I truly was…I think the best word to describe my attitude was naive. Oh sweet, young, naive Cory…you had so much to learn…and about a minute later, my life exploded in some crazy personal drama that had me on a roller coaster of emotions.

The next few years were filled with depression, an unexpected pregnancy, feelings of betrayal and loneliness, spiritual depletion & abandonment which all culminated in this general sense of brokenness. I was broken. And it felt like I would never be healed.

About a year ago, after a good deal of prayer, personal growth, and work with a mentor, I came to this realization…

When I first began writing my book years ago, I thought I had been called to put together a collection of lessons I had learned throughout the years to share with others who might need some encouragement in times of struggle. Recently I have discovered these to be more of a collection of lessons I am still learning and have clung to in some pretty tough moments. And I find myself laughing at how amazingly unpredictable our God is, that He would bring me to write a book entirely for myself.

I share all of this now simply to say, that sweet song I woke up with on my lips nearly 5 years ago, has become my theme song. My anthem if you will. Change my heart oh God. And He has.

I have been revisiting my book chapters recently, learning so much and finding healing from my own words I had no idea were meant specifically for me. It has been a truly incredible experience.

And now, I am so excited to say that I am almost ready to share them with you! The book is nearly complete, I am once again attending a major writers’ conference in just a few months which includes a meeting with a publisher! My heart feels like it might burst from all the excitement I am feeling.

But, in total honesty – I am also terrified. What if no one likes it? What if they think it’s a terrible idea? What if they say it has been overdone and they have no need for it? What if I mess up my one sheet or trip over my tongue during my “pitch” and they can’t even understand what I am trying to say?

I am my own worst enemy.

As my husband reminded me today – this is not my book anyway. Not really. These words have been given to me and it is my privilege to be the conduit to bring them to you. I can’t mess up anything. What happens to them once my pen leaves the page it entirely up to God. And I can find peace in that.

So let this be my encouragement to any of you out there with a dream that maybe feels like it is taking forever to come true: Trust in God’s timing. If He plans it for you, then He will make a way.

I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:6

SOOOOOO…..who wants to be the first to sample this devotion I’m writing??? Make sure and subscribe for your chance at a sneak peek of what is to come!