There is a song that frequents the radio with a chorus that repeats the refrain “There is joy in the house of the Lord, there is joy in the house of the Lord today. And we won’t be quiet, we shout out your praise.” I love this song for many reasons, but mostly because it captures the essence of how I feel when I am among my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. That inner compulsion to give thanks, to sing praises, to worship a holy and good, good, God that radiates from so deep inside there is nothing that can contain it and no circumstance that can suppress it. It is the Joy of the Lord Himself, expressed by the Spirit of God, that lives within all those He has called his own.
When I was a child and newly a Christian, I believed this joy to be a feeling of happiness. But as I grew up and experienced hard times, I was forced to wrestle through my naive understanding of what it meant to have joy when things were far from happy. Now, over thirty years later, having been tested many, many times, I have found the key to unwavering joy is the Lord Himself; and He has been my strength time and time again.
I have found the key to unwavering joy is the Lord Himself; and He has been my strength time and time again.
But what took much longer for me to fully understand was the “joy in the house of the Lord” didn’t mean in a building. In fact, it wasn’t until “the house of the Lord” itself became a place of great suffering for me, and many others, that I came to truly understand the house of the Lord is not a place – a physical building made by the hands of men – but rather a people, who God has called “living stones” that when gathered together make His house (1 Peter 2:5). A lesson I was surely taught in Sunday School as a small child but had never fully internalized. To me, church was a place God’s people went to worship. I now understand deeply, and with all my heart, that the church is a people and where they gather is not what defines them, or their ability to worship.
It is this new understanding that has protected my faith and sheltered me from the desire to walk away after suffering traumatic spiritual abuse at the hands of church leadership (a term I use to describe a position in a single local assembly not the universal church of which Christ Himself is the head). Many of my fellow brothers and sisters around the globe have also suffered similarly but have been so broken and beaten by wolves posing as fellow sheep, they can no longer trust or find safety in God’s people.
My hope in speaking out is that they would find comfort and encouragement in the acknowledgement that they are not alone. That spiritual abuse is real. And not just in big scandalous ways like Mars Hill, which has become a pop-culture point of interest. But in small churches too. Right down the street from you and me. Brothers and sisters from all walks of life sit in silent suffering, alone and afraid because they feel isolated, unsure, and at a loss for what to do. Maybe they worry that no one will believe them. Maybe they struggle to believe the reality of it themselves. Maybe a mix of both. As someone who has walked this road myself, I deeply feel the weight of the mixed emotions that can seem overwhelming as one tries to process.
I’m here to tell you a story – a triumphant story of how God rescued me (and others) from the soul-crushing spiritual abuse we were suffering at the hands of supposed “shepherds” and brought me (us) out of the darkness and oppression back into His glorious and joy-filled light.
In the words of Paul in his letter to the church at Corinth, I also pray, as God has comforted me in my troubles, that I may be a comfort to others in theirs, and that through our shared suffering, we may each be a comfort to one another.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Spiritual Abuse; if you are like me, this is a term you probably aren’t well acquainted with, at least not unless you have experienced it yourself.
I only learned of this classification recently. And although I wasn’t familiar at the time with this specific term, I was certainly familiar with the experience it describes. Much like when Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart was asked to describe his test for obscenity in 1964 and he responded, “I know it when I see it.” I too, while unable to specifically define this type of abuse, knew it when I saw it.
Fortunately, others much more researched and well spoken than me have endeavored to define in clear terms what spiritual abuse is so that we all might find a common understanding of this growing phenomenon. In his book, Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church, Michael Kruger, President of Reformed Theological Seminary, says:
Spiritual Abuse is when a spiritual leader – such as a pastor, elder or head of a Christian organization – wields his position of spiritual authority in such a way that he manipulates, domineers, bullies, and intimidates those under him as a means of maintaining his own power and control, even if he is convinced he is seeking biblical-kingdom related goals.” Kruger [pg. 24]
He says in the introduction,
“sometimes God leads you down pathways you never imagined you would take. And sometimes you do things not because you want to but because they need to be done…I supposed God could have led many other people besides me to write it. But a number of factors have placed this problem of spiritual abuse squarely in my path. It’s a roadblock I would have preferred to circumnavigate…but now I know I am clearly being called to address this issue head on. Kruger [pg. xiii]
I couldn’t agree more with Kruger’s sentiment. I never imagined that I would be a victim of spiritual abuse. And once I was, I certainly never dreamed that I would be compelled to speak out about it, nor could I have ever imagined the fall-out I would experience once I did. But sometimes the path God leads us down doesn’t make sense in the moment. I have come to accept that with faith, it is not for us to understand, it is simply for us to trust and obey. And now on the other side I can see so many blessings that have come from walking down this road. The road I would never have chosen for myself. And painful as it was, looking back now knowing all that has come, I am the better for it. Praise be to God that His ways are much higher than my own.
I first began reading about the subject of spiritual abuse when my experience in a local church had become so oppressive that I found myself crying all the time and often unable to engage in everyday life.
I would go to sleep at night fretting over tense encounters with the church leadership, then toss and turn while I dreamt of it in my sleep, only to wake up feeling exhausted and unable to focus on my tasks for the day. Not being able to fully express my feelings, for fear of being accused of gossip or divisiveness, was affecting my relationships with fellow church members, my ability to function with my family, and causing me a great deal of heartache. I expressed on several occasions the extreme weight I was feeling as the burdens were piled higher and higher, but rather than compassion, I received dismissal, as if my feelings were totally irrational.
Bully pastors lack gentleness, compassion, and understanding. They put enormous burdens on the backs of people, are hypercritical, and are hardly ever pleased. Kruger, [pg. 53]
I have been a Christian for over 30 years and have been a member of various churches my entire life. I am no stranger to church politics and the relationship dynamics that go on “behind the curtain”, and yet never had I felt so heavy and burdened as I did walking into that church building day after day. It was as if the very life was being intentionally squeezed out of me and I couldn’t understand why. At one point I shared with a close friend that I felt as if they [the leadership] wouldn’t stop until I was utterly broken. It is only in hindsight that I recognize I was being targeted by bullies – bully pastors, that is.
It is only in hindsight that I recognize I was being targeted by bullies – bully pastors, that is.
In his 2023 book, On Spiritual Abuse: Twenty-One Lessons from the Frontlines, Pastor and Counselor Michael Coggin helped to shed a little light on what had been happening to me. Part of the spiritual abuse I had unknowingly been experiencing was a tactic called gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a devastating form of manipulation and psychological control that dehumanizes its victims. Over a period of time, victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically given false information or repetitive words and phrases that lead them to question what they know to be true and even how they view themselves… Coggin [pg.17]
These church leaders were consistently citing my “differing philosophy of ministry” as the source of our conflicts. They repeated that phrase over and over, meeting after meeting, as if it were completely obvious and I must be a fool to not recognize the disagreement. However, when asked to define what exactly their philosophy of ministry was, or even what they thought mine was (since I didn’t realize I had one), their circular scrambling for words left me more confused than ever. After months of being forced to internally analyze what exactly a philosophy of ministry was, I came to the realization that this repeated refrain was nothing more than smoke and mirrors designed to distract me from the spiritually abusive punishments I was enduring (which had been labeled as “formative discipline”) and give the appearance of justification for their actions.
When I began to speak out against the egregious behaviors of these supposed “shepherds” (the specifics of which I am still holding very closely to my heart) they were so angered by my daring to question their authority they began to mislead, misrepresent, and eventually outright lie to excuse their sinful behaviors and paint me (and later my family and my friends) as a villain bent on destroying the unity of their church. They shamefully slandered my name and made up wild accusations that were so ridiculous and unbelievable my first reaction, upon hearing of them, was to laugh at the absurdity.
When their behavior was finally called into question, they were steadfastly unwilling to admit the truth about their own part in the sinful treatment of me (and by extension my family), the destruction caused by unrestrained gossip from within their church (which they were fully aware of and often supported), and the abusive nature of how they “shepherded” their congregation through intimidation, isolation, and fear. When discussing this matter with a friend and long-time church member, she referred to them as an “unmovable wall.”
“To snuff out criticism, an abusive pastor will often silence, shame, or isolate a person, making them feel like they are insubmissive, insubordinate, and undermining the church’s God-given leadership.” Kruger, [pg.31]
The truly remarkable thing is that as unbelievable as this may sound to some, there are others who are probably astonished at the uncanny familiarity.
Desperation to try and make sense of my experience led me to a google search on conflict with church leaders – which led to articles about church hurt, a blog on wicked shepherds, and eventually to the concept of “spiritual abuse.” Having just completed a Biblical Counseling course the year prior, I had been exposed to wonderful authors with sound and biblically based teachings on many topics, so I searched to see if there were any available books referencing spiritual abuse from names I was familiar with. One book led to another and after spending months reading every book on spiritual abuse I could find, I gradually became aware that what I had been experiencing wasn’t unique to me, these specific shepherds or this particular church. It was happening all over the world. The testimonies contained within these books could have easily been taken from my own life. It was eerie how even the slightest details were in fact not unique to my situation. Others had experienced them too. Time and time again, I marveled at how it seemed an author was inside my head, reading my thoughts and putting them to paper. One particular quote actually made me gasp out loud when I read it.
From his book, Spiritually Abused: Identifying and Escaping an Abusive Church Culture, Pastor Steve Pierson says,
…you’ve sat through conversations where your words have been twisted and weaponized to assault your character. You’ve been told by your abuser that you’ve said things that were never said, and when you tried to hold your accuser accountable to truth, he rearranged history, and past conversations magically disappeared [or reappeared as was in my case]. Besides this, you go to sleep thinking about your abuse, and you wake up with it being first on your mind. Also, by this time you have likely been removed from serving in the church, or have been given reduced responsibilities, or you’re enjoying a “break” so you can reflect and consider your rebellious heart. Pierson, [pg.136]
Pierson’s book aligned with so many others in describing this scenario. How could it all sound so familiar, I wondered?
How had he been able to capture details so specifically?
I had been removed from serving in the church under the guise of a “break” to “reflect”.
The motivations of my heart had been called into question with no evidence other than one leader’s “feeling” and some slanderous gossip.
My words had been twisted and then used against me.
How did he know?
Because spiritual abuse in the church is real. More real than any of us want to admit. Maybe you are asking yourself how this phenomenon could be so prevalent and yet still so unknown? If you are, you’re not alone. I asked myself that too. The answer is rather simple: because the abusers don’t often look like “the bad guys” and the victims often don’t want to speak up.
Christians have a subtle and crafty enemy.
These abusers are angels of darkness who are disguised as angels of light.
They are wolves who have wrapped themselves in sheep’s clothing [or even worse, shepherd’s clothing] and snuck in among us.
They are educated. They are charismatic. They are “theological giants of the faith” that we have built up to be tiny idols in our churches and we cannot bear to tear them down. So, we ignore things that seem slightly “off.” We make excuses and tell ourselves “we’re all sinners – no one is perfect.” We pretend that we do not see what is happening to the people we love right before our very eyes, and in doing so, desensitize ourselves to the sinfulness that is slowly destroying our community and silencing the cries of our brothers and sisters who are calling out for help.
So, we ignore things that seem slightly “off.” We make excuses and tell ourselves “we’re all sinners – no one is perfect.” We pretend that we do not see what is happening to the people we love right before our very eyes, and in doing so, desensitize ourselves to the sinfulness that is slowly destroying our community and silencing the cries of our brothers and sisters who are calling out for help.
Or, maybe, these spiritually abusive leaders are just regular people who don’t realize that what they are doing is abusive. Maybe it’s a mixture of both. Through all my reading and research though, one thing has been made painfully clear: Spiritual Abuse is very real and does immense harm to the body of Christ.
Spiritual abuse is a devastating reality within the body of Christ. Pierson, [pg 23]
Spiritual abuse is a real phenomenon that actually happens in the body of Christ. David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, [ pg.16]
That’s what makes spiritual abuse disturbing and so hard to spot. It happens at the hands of those who are charged with the care and protection of the flock. Kruger, [pg.2]
Spiritual abusers are curiously naïve about the effects of their exploitation. Ken Blue, Healing Spiritual Abuse: How to Break Free from Bad Church Experiences, [pg. 12]
But just knowing that spiritual abuse is real isn’t enough. You also need to know how to recognize when you are in the midst of it. In the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse”, David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen outline four characteristics that relationships within a spiritually abusive system are dictated by.
- Power Posturing
“Power-posturing simply means that leaders spend a lot of time focused on their own authority and reminding others of it as well.”
- Performance Preoccupation
“In abusive spiritual systems, power is postured and authority is legislated. Therefore, these systems are preoccupied with the performance of their members. Obedience and submission are two important words often used.”
- Unspoken Rules
“In abusive spiritual systems, people’s lives are controlled from the outside in by rules, spoken and unspoken. Unspoken rules are those that govern unhealthy churches or families but are not said out loud. Because they are not said out loud, you don’t find out that they’re there until you break them. The most powerful of all unspoken rules is…the can’t talk rule.The real problem cannot be exposed because then it would have to be dealt with and things would have to change, so it must be protected behind walls of silence or by assault.
- Lack of Balance
“The fourth characteristic of a spiritually abusive system is an unbalanced approach to living out the truth of the Christian life. This shows itself in two extremes: Extreme Objectivism, which elevates objective truth to the exclusion of valid subjective experience and creates a system where authority is based on the level of education and intellectual capacity alone rather than intimacy with God or obedience and sensitivity to His Spirit, and Extreme Subjectivism where truth is decided on the basis of feelings and experiences giving them more weight than what the Bible declares.
See Johnson and Van Vonderen, [PAGES 63-71]
If I had read this book before attending this prior church, I might have saved myself a great deal of heartache. The atmosphere of the culture there ticked all four boxes. Church leadership regularly taught and preached and discussed their authority and the responsibility of the congregation to “submit.”
I broke so many unspoken rules I lost count. I even tried to gain clarity on specific ways I had violated these unwritten laws in an attempt to not break them again, but the more questions I asked the more vague the answers became. There was no rhyme, reason, or pattern to expectations. They just “were what they were” and you either knew it, or you didn’t. As one friend so aptly stated in response to my difficulties, “you have to learn to play the game.”
Additionally, the leadership valued structured theological education so highly that lay members were treated only as “sheep” in an incredibly demeaning sense, without also acknowledging that each member is gifted by the Holy Spirit for ministry work within the body (see Ephesians 4), let alone that there is a priesthood made up of all believers (see 1 Peter 2). They seemingly placed no value on identifying, nurturing or equipping church members to use their spiritual gifts for the building up of the body or the growth of the Kingdom.
My husband and I tried for almost 15 months to work together, and later reconcile, with the church’s leadership. In meeting after meeting, we sought to identify what sin was causing this disharmony between us and breaking up the fellowship within the church. But despite deep prayer, reflection, and outside counsel on our part, there was never a willingness to engage in any true peacemaking from them. There were constant attacks on my character and behavior for sure, but no identification of any sin that could be repented of or forgiven or worked through. No scriptures were offered as reflections or meditations to better understand where I had “erred.” There was absolutely no humility – no compassion – no willingness to concede that any missteps they had made were contributing factors to the discourse. The blame lay solely at my feet, and only by meeting their absurd demands could our relationship be restored, with the warning that even if I met every condition, I might still never be permitted to serve in that church again.
In essence, there was no actual shepherding. Instead, we were met with hostility, accusations, lies and a refusal to be held accountable.
Eventually, with no other recourse, we had to remove ourselves from the authority of these leaders – which meant we had to part with the church. Our hearts broke for the community we were being forced to leave behind, so we knew we couldn’t just slip out the door quietly and let them wonder where we had gone. We had seen that happen before, only to later find out the reasons given to us by our leaders for why church members had left had absolutely nothing to do with why they actually left. Which was just another tactic to control the narrative and preserve their authority. So we decided to write an exit-letter and send it to those closest to us in ministry. Anyone who might have been hurt, upset, or confused on our abrupt departure. It was simple and to the point – an expression of our heartfelt love for the community we had built and served alongside followed by a statement of irreconcilable differences with the leadership. We made no accusations. Provided no specific details. And extended grace in our speech toward those who had so deeply hurt us. We made no attempt to “tell our side,” but we offered an open door to anyone who wanted to talk to us about the decision we had made. And then, we shared that though temporarily separated, our joy remained in the fully united body of Christ we would all one day experience.
Our choice to leave transparently unleashed furious reaction from the church leadership and opened the door wide for others to stand up with courage and speak out against the unhealthy patterns they were witnessing among departing church members and for some even to share about the spiritual abuses they had suffered as well. In response, more people left. And then more. Still the leadership raged against us. Even after our departure, and the departure of many others, we continued in our attempts for reconciliation, recognizing that the disharmony among the body was excruciating for everyone involved.
We requested a third-party mediator be brought in to help us all consider objectively what had transpired. But our request was never acknowledged.
I would like to say our leaving was the end of the story; but it took less than a week for the victim-blaming to begin. There were church-wide meetings held to discuss our departure, and later the departures of other members as well. In these and other private meetings, we were told members of the leadership team were angry and vengeful, focusing on vindicating themselves and defending their reputations, including in some cases even bearing false witness against fellow brothers and sisters. Months after our departure, the leadership continued to slander, lie and condemn us, as well as some of those who dared to stand beside us.
This type of behavior, while shocking from church leaders, has been employed by abusive leaders throughout history. It is so common in fact, it has been traced, outlined, categorized and given a name. DARVO. Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim & Offender.
“This tactic – given the acronym DARVO, allows the abusive party to redirect attention away from themselves while simultaneously accusing the wounded party of being the perpetrator.” Michael Coggin, [pg.33]]
As painful as this all has been, I think one of the most hurtful and often overlooked aspects of spiritual abuse is not the behavior of the abusers themselves, but that of a congregation that supports them. It is a desperately sick feeling to have the people you have lived in community with for years turn on you and completely freeze you out, give you dirty looks, refuse to acknowledge you when they see you in public, cut off the friendships, and even spread lies themselves, without so much as a conversation about what you experienced – simply because their leadership encouraged such behavior. The practice of shunning is alive and well in spiritually abusive churches.
Churches also need to consider the enormous price people pay when they come forward to speak up about spiritual abuse. Typically, they are not believed, they have their character attacked and tarnished, and are driven out of the churches they love. What would motivate them to lie about the charges? What would they have to gain? Often they have everything to lose.” Kruger, [pg. 88]
Or worse, those who say they believe you, offer comfort to you, express outrage at what has transpired, but then still show up and smile and serve and support the ones who abused you. Their silence is the deadliest blow to a survivor’s recovery.
And then there are those who know exactly what is happening, but chose to bury their heads in the sand because they aren’t willing to risk sharing your fate if they speak up. So they resign themselves internally to keep the peace. To not rock the boat. And to play both sides.
But this is not true peace. It is a falsehood. A lie straight from the enemy deceiving everyone and preventing real unity and healing within the body.
The folks who stay behind often defend their decision under the heading that they are neutral and don’t want to take sides. But by staying at the church, they are not neutral. They have clearly chosen a side. Wade Mullen explains how painful this is to the victims. “Consider what it communicates to the watching victims when they see people gathering around the people who wounded them – to see them giving money to the institution, using their services, applauding their efforts, and endorsing their legitimacy.” Thus he concludes, “sometimes supporting the victim means immediately withdrawing support from those who have yet to speak the truth about the abuse and let the light shine.” One tragic aspect of this social ostracization is that it happens precisely when the victims of abuse most need encouragement and support from the body of Christ. Instead suffering is heaped upon suffering: the victims of abuse are already suffering from the abusive behavior itself, and now the very community that could help them heal from that abuse has been taken away from them also. Thus, they often find themselves suffering in silence, utterly alone. On top of losing their church, abuse victims often testify that they have also lost some of their closest friends…another testimony is equally tragic: some of our closest friends didn’t want to hear our story, stayed at the church, and eventually aligned against us. The church as a whole shunned us and we lost many people in friendships/community as well as our reputation that had been built over almost 20 years. The pastor’s word always prevailed. Kruger, [pgs.104-105]
Michael Coggin shares the experience of leaving a spiritually abusive situation in his book, On Spiritual Abuse, and the unfortunate reality that sometimes the people left behind are very quick to circle the wagons, so to speak, and declare extreme loyalty to the abusive leaders who have been called into question.
“In a heartbreaking and unsurprising reaction from a spiritually abusive church, I’ve seen elders [and congregants] who refuse to even talk to me and others who resigned [left], who had expressed their concerns over patterns of abuse, or presented a different narrative to that of church leadership…I believe many of these men, their wives, and others in the church thought they were loving their leader by not entertaining other narratives. Months and sometimes years later these “loyalists” who had come to the rescue of the leader “under attack” came to the painful realization that loyalty was only one way when they themselves were betrayed. Even when there is a large wake of relational damage and ever increasing red flags often these spiritually abusive systems still refuse to be faithful to their true king…the truth is not gossip. Calling out and questioning patterns of unhealth and abuse of power is not disloyalty.” Coggin, [pg. 26]
Presently there has been no true accountability for the actions of the leaders at that church. I don’t know if there ever will be. However, I do know that the Lord will rightly judge us all in His own time. And it is not my business when or how that will be. So I continue to pray for those leaders. For the people still sitting under their spiritually abusive leadership. For wisdom. For conviction. For eyes to see the truth. For courage to stand for what is right. For protection from continued abuses. That God would forgive them for what they have done and continue to do.
God will hold accountable not only the bad shepherds but also those who protect and enable them. Kruger, [pg. 48]
Since leaving that church I have discovered dozens of people that have also been hurt by their church leaders, in much of the same way.
Some from the very church I left, just years before me. Others from different churches in different states. A sobering reminder this problem of spiritual abuse isn’t unique to me. Our stories were all so similar, it was both creepy and comforting at the same time.
Unlike the other stories though, in God’s grace to me, He did not ordain that I would go through this alone. He surrounded me with close friends who were experiencing it right alongside me and together we were each other’s support, encouragement and strength, which allowed us to speak with boldness and without fear. Unfortunately, that is not the common story.
Most people experiencing spiritual abuse feel utterly alone. They might even think they are crazy or imagining the abuse. They are often fearful that no one will believe them or understand. And so they suffer the abuse in silence or disappear and often leave the church altogether.
So, what does any of this have to do with joy in the house of the Lord?
As we left this church, broken and beaten down, feeling numb inside and unsure where to go, the temptation to just walk away was strong. Church had hurt us deeply. And where could we go that anyone would understand what we had just been through? We were truly “the walking wounded” as Kenneth J. Garrett describes in his book, In the House of Friends: – Understanding and Healing from Spiritual Abuse in Christian Churches.”
We felt like refugees without a home. Bonded to one another by our shared trauma, many of us who had left began to meet in my living room and worship together. We sang. And prayed. We cried and unloaded the burdens of our hearts with one another. We thanked God for the unity we felt with one another and for the experiences that bound us together. We encouraged one another in love. We had compassion for each other and for those who were still suffering alone.
One week turned into two, turned into ten, and before we knew it, we all had the same realization. That God had built a church – with us – right in my living room. And though we never set out to plant a new church, that is exactly what God had done. Living stones, gathered together, to praise His holy name. We were the house of the Lord, and there was much, much joy, and we cannot be quiet about the work He has done in us! The house of the Lord isn’t a building made from bricks and stone where men jockey for authority and power and lord demands for obedience and submission over those under their care. The house of the Lord is built with living stones – those who are in Christ – and are known by their love.
The house of the Lord isn’t a building made from bricks and stone where men jockey for authority and power and lord demands for obedience and submission over those under their care. The house of the Lord is built with living stones – those who are in Christ – and are known by their love.
Our little community has grown, and we pray that by God’s grace, we will continue to add to our fellowship. We are a church committed to proclaiming the Gospel. Loving people. And growing in the Word. We have been a shelter for those who are hurting. And brought hope for the healing that is to come. We quickly outgrew a living room, moving on to fill a basement rec space, and now have outgrown a house entirely and moved on to a bigger location. No matter where we assemble, one thing will always be true – we are the house of the Lord, and there is great joy inside us!
So for anyone feeling trapped or afraid or utterly alone in your suffering – I offer these words from Steve Pierson in his book Spiritually Abused, as a comfort to you, because they brought comfort to me.
“I know you have a fear that people will walk away from you. You’re afraid valued relationships will end. The truth is, that very well may happen. However, I want to encourage you with something I have witnessed personally, God loves to restore! Pierson, [pg. 137]
This is such a glorious truth!
I have seen it with my own eyes and in my own life. Not one of the families that bravely stepped out and left that spiritually abusive church behind with us has any regret. Yes, it was costly. Some of us lost dear friends. Some of us lost our community. Some of us are continuing to be attacked. But for all of us, the gain has far outweighed the cost. Each of us are thriving in our new local church families, delighted in the community that binds us together in Christ – the universal church.
There is always hope in the Lord.
Whatever you fear you may lose by speaking up about spiritual abuse, the Lord will restore more than you could ever have imagined – if only you would trust in Him!
Scripture teaches us, through the story of Joseph, what men mean for evil, God means for good (Genesis 50:20).
It was true in the life of Joseph. Abandoned, sold into slavery by his brothers, and reported as dead he ended up being the one to save his entire family from famine.
It has certainly been true for me. Attacked, slandered, and forced out of our church home, the Lord led a small group of people to build something new bringing so much life and saving each of us from the spiritual famine we had been experiencing.
And you can trust it to be true for you as well.
The Lord is sovereign over all things; even the hard ones. Set your eyes on Him.
It is my hope that by bringing a real face and name and personhood to the topic of spiritual abuse others will find the courage to stand beside me and share their stories as well. As we learned from Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who, eventually when enough voices are shouting together, their cries will break through and be heard by even the most staunch critics – “WE ARE HERE!”
And maybe the people of God will finally stand up, united as the body of Christ, and loudly proclaim to these wicked and spiritually abusive shepherds “No – More!”
As Michael Kruger says in his book Bully Pulpit,
“with the enormous debris field of broken relationships plainly evident across our churches, let us hope we will finally realize that a change in trajectory is desperately needed!” Kruger, [pg. 58]
While most pastors are gentle, kind, and patient, others have a proverbial knee in the neck of their sheep. They’ve been doing it for years with little or no consequences. And despite the pleas of the people, other pastors and elders sometimes stand by and let it happen. They may even defend the bully pastor. In sum, the problem is not just the abuse. It’s also the larger context that allows it to continue unchallenged. So something needs to change. For the sake of the peace and purity of the church, and for the sake of the sheep we are called to protect, we must think more carefully about the type of leaders we are producing. Kruger, [pg.xviii]
Below is the complete list of the books I’ve read that helped me process my spiritually abusive experiences (not all books quoted in this article).
- Trusting God’s People…Again – Blake Coffee and Debbie Taylor
- Healing Spiritual Abuse – Ken Blue
- In the House of Friends – Kenneth J. Garrett
- The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse – David Johnson/Jeff Van Vonderen
- Bully Pulpit – Michael J. Kruger
- Spiritually Abused – Steve Pierson
- Sibling Rivalry in the House of God – Jay E. Adams
- Resisting Gossip – Matthew C. Mitchell
- When Narcissism Comes to Church – Chuck DeGroat
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